5 Years of Darkness
I don’t recall my early twenties. I know, that’s when most people make the memories that nurture their emotional growth for the rest of their lives. It’s when you are finally free from the constraints of your parents, and able to make the mistakes that will be your life lessons. When you gain your real world survival skills when it comes to work ethics, study skills (because we never stop learning), and relationship dynamics. For me, it’s one big blank spot.
When I was twenty, I relocated from south Arkansas to south Louisiana. A far larger town, but the social dynamics were still pretty much the same. It’s still the south. Just more Catholics and less southern Baptists. And no dry parishes, unlike the dry county I grew up in.
When I moved to Louisiana, university was not an option. No funding was available. The next 5 years I worked 2 full time jobs, in order to stick enough money aside to attend classes. I started working for a convenience store (Circle K) from 3:30pm – 11pm, and then make a half hour drive to Baton Rogue and work for a local television station from midnight to 7am. There were plenty of times when I drove home asleep. I would wake up in the opposite traffic lane and thank god I had not killed someone.
But I remember nothing from that time. All I did was work and work. No social life. Just eat, sleep, and work. I call it my “5 years of darkness”.
I survived it. Even though I escaped from that dark period of my life, I am aware many Americans are still stuck in that cycle of needing to work 2 to 3 jobs to just make by.
I have never had the core years to learn how to date successfully. Such common knowledge on when it’s okay to ask something from your partner, and when to not answer their questions honestly. Cutesy small talk is completely lost on me. You’ll never hear me call the person I’m seeing “their little love muffin”. Ewww!
One of the things I haven’t learned is when to give up. And before you begin to think I’m stalker material, you are mistaken. I tend to be attracted to someone who’s unobtainable, but who instantly wants to become “my friend” and tell me all about their relationship problems.
I met Hippolyte 5 years ago when I worked for Big Wood. She was a sophomore in college, and at first I could only talk work around her. Eventually, we became close friends.
About 2 years ago, I finally broke down and confessed my affections for her. It was a difficult thing to do, but I felt it was necessary. She gave an indication that she “could” consider us if things changed in her life, which I latched onto and held close to my heart. I got the opportunity to move to Memphis a year ago, and left.
We kept contact via IM during that time. With her encouragement, I reentered the dating realm again. I had a few hits and misses, filling her in with the details and asking her advice. One of the early dates quickly evolved into a sexual relationship, which I really wasn’t ready to start. Sex, for the sake of sex, isn’t something I enjoy. I need a bit of intimacy and closeness with that person. Otherwise it feels mechanical.
After my encounter I IM’d Hippolyte for advice on what to do. I felt this is going in the wrong direction and my date didn’t even want to go out any more. All they wanted was to sleep together. She finally asked me why I didn’t feel any connection with this person, and I admitted I was still stuck on her. That’s when she told me we could never have anything together. So I asked about a possibility of being intimate in the future, which she said it’s very possible.
This is what totally confuses me. How can someone think of being intimate with you but can’t see dating you? Maybe I’m not hip enough to understand friends with benefits.
Mizike
When I was twenty, I relocated from south Arkansas to south Louisiana. A far larger town, but the social dynamics were still pretty much the same. It’s still the south. Just more Catholics and less southern Baptists. And no dry parishes, unlike the dry county I grew up in.
When I moved to Louisiana, university was not an option. No funding was available. The next 5 years I worked 2 full time jobs, in order to stick enough money aside to attend classes. I started working for a convenience store (Circle K) from 3:30pm – 11pm, and then make a half hour drive to Baton Rogue and work for a local television station from midnight to 7am. There were plenty of times when I drove home asleep. I would wake up in the opposite traffic lane and thank god I had not killed someone.
But I remember nothing from that time. All I did was work and work. No social life. Just eat, sleep, and work. I call it my “5 years of darkness”.
I survived it. Even though I escaped from that dark period of my life, I am aware many Americans are still stuck in that cycle of needing to work 2 to 3 jobs to just make by.
I have never had the core years to learn how to date successfully. Such common knowledge on when it’s okay to ask something from your partner, and when to not answer their questions honestly. Cutesy small talk is completely lost on me. You’ll never hear me call the person I’m seeing “their little love muffin”. Ewww!
One of the things I haven’t learned is when to give up. And before you begin to think I’m stalker material, you are mistaken. I tend to be attracted to someone who’s unobtainable, but who instantly wants to become “my friend” and tell me all about their relationship problems.
I met Hippolyte 5 years ago when I worked for Big Wood. She was a sophomore in college, and at first I could only talk work around her. Eventually, we became close friends.
About 2 years ago, I finally broke down and confessed my affections for her. It was a difficult thing to do, but I felt it was necessary. She gave an indication that she “could” consider us if things changed in her life, which I latched onto and held close to my heart. I got the opportunity to move to Memphis a year ago, and left.
We kept contact via IM during that time. With her encouragement, I reentered the dating realm again. I had a few hits and misses, filling her in with the details and asking her advice. One of the early dates quickly evolved into a sexual relationship, which I really wasn’t ready to start. Sex, for the sake of sex, isn’t something I enjoy. I need a bit of intimacy and closeness with that person. Otherwise it feels mechanical.
After my encounter I IM’d Hippolyte for advice on what to do. I felt this is going in the wrong direction and my date didn’t even want to go out any more. All they wanted was to sleep together. She finally asked me why I didn’t feel any connection with this person, and I admitted I was still stuck on her. That’s when she told me we could never have anything together. So I asked about a possibility of being intimate in the future, which she said it’s very possible.
This is what totally confuses me. How can someone think of being intimate with you but can’t see dating you? Maybe I’m not hip enough to understand friends with benefits.
Mizike
posted by Mizike at 11:16 AM
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