Rings of Life
Last night was my first real opportunity to shop for Christmas. Or rather, the first night I decided to pull the trigger and actually buy presents. This seems to be a recurring theme for my life. Discover a need or desire to purchase an item, and then spend days/weeks/months mulling over the decision to actually buy it.
Take for example my third car purchase. My Mitsubishi Eclipse was on its last leg, needing replacement very badly. Seeking to be an informed consumer out to make an intelligent purchase, impulse buying was to be avoided at all costs. Consumer magazines were browsed, internet message boards were referenced for customer reviews, friends and acquaintances were interviewed for their experiences with certain models of cars. And of course, the desire to find an aesthetically pleasing car was very important.
Not wanting to be one of the common Dick & Jane crowd, a car with a bit of character was very important. Something practical, yet with an edge. Perhaps a bit sporty, but not a “sports” car, since insurance rates for south Louisiana were brutal.
After visiting all the dealerships, the final three came down to the Chrysler Sebring, a Saturn, and a Pontiac Grand Am sedan. The Sebring was very attractive, though a bit pricey for my wallet at that time. The Saturn fit the bill, but wasn’t very pleasing to my eye. The Pontiac dealership didn’t have the exact model I was looking for. The Grand Am GT’s in stock were not 4 door or have a stick.
Mulling over this decision for well over a month, the Eclipse finally made the decision for me. As I was driving to the Pontiac dealership, the transmission failed and I coasted the last two blocks into the dealership. I drove out with the Grand Am.
I picked out SkyPrincess’s main present weeks ago. It’s a lovely item I’ll share after the holidays. Each time we visited the mall in NH, we’d pass by it and I’d stop my coworkers... point, with a gleam in my eye and smile on my face, and say “That’s the one! Isn’t it just the keenest thing ever?” Looking back and forth to each other, with a slight roll of the eyes, they’d respond, “Yes, it’s the best present ever. You are such a good boyfriend.” Smug with satisfaction, I continued to follow them as we browsed the store. Safe with the knowledge that soon it will be mine to purchase and wrap for SkyPrincess.
Last night was the purchase night. We rolled up to the mall and I made an immediate dash for the store. There it was! After a brief discussion with the clerk, after which she agreed that it was indeed a very keen present for a good boyfriend to buy, the item was paid for and deposited safely into my shopping bag. Quickly moving to the next counter the second present was selected. Although not as groovy as the first present, I liked it. I’m not crazy about the designer and almost didn’t buy it just for that fact. But I accepted the terms and allowed a bit of my soul to be purchased. It really is a very groovy item.
The rest of the night was spent running from one store to another seeking the last of my presents. No one had my gift idea in stock. Every store left me with breadcrumbs to follow. “I think Sears might have it.” I’d dash to the other end of the mall and search Sears. After desperate minutes of searching, I'd finally ask a clerk where I can find the thingamabob. “Sorry, we sold out of those early this week. Have you tried Macy’s?” Off to Macy’s. “Sorry, I sold my last one about 3 o’clock. Have you tried Sears?”
And so my night went. After exhausting every store, I resigned myself that no one in the Mall had the thingamabob. With no other pressing needs, I found a nice spot near the stairs to do a bit of people watching while waiting on my teammates to finish with their shopping.
To my left was the typical New England couple. The wife with a thick herringbone coat. Gloves dangling from her wrists with attached bands. Husband in tow, completely bored with both hands filled with shopping bags from Filenes, Radio Shack, Sears, and Bath & Body. With eyes cutting left and right, peering into all the stores, his wife would spot something that peaked her interests and make a mad beeline for that store. Her husband would suddenly stop after noticing his wife was not directly in front of him, and then lower his head in resignation and slowly begin making his way across traffic into the store his wife was now.
On the shopping floor below me was this very cute Asian couple. Both were dressed in very trendy clothes. She had a very unique fur hat with matching gloves and jacket. He wore black slacks with a neon green shirt with a huge Hello Dolly print and a black leather jacket. His hair was short and spiky with just a bit too much hair product. But it matched his style. Walking arm-in-arm, they lazily strolled down the mall, never overtly looking into any particular store. Content with just being with each other.
Standing next to me was this very odd looking man. He stood about 5 foot 7 inches, with sandy blond hair. Light brown wool jacket, white dress shirt, jeans, and sneakers. He was leaning against the railing, supported by his elbows. His hands clasped together in front, with fingers interlaced. He kept fingering his wedding band, spinning it in place.
His face was a bit scraggly from not shaving that morning, and his collar had a bit of a lipstick stain. Probably from early in the day. A very bright ruby red lipstick that shined very vividly on his pressed white shirt.
We both stood looking out over the vista of the mall. Neither of us looking for anything in specific. About 10 minutes go by when a female joined him. They kissed each other welcome, and she seems to frown when spotting the lipstick stain. She had a rich dark brown lipstick on, which clearly did not match the stain on his collar. They joined hands and walked off, though you could tell she wasn’t particularly happy.
On the other side of the walkway I spotted a man sitting down on the benches. The benches were placed in a crook that allowed the viewer to look down upon the masses below, instead of back into the crowd behind him. What stood out the most about this man was the missing right leg. Crutches to his side, he sat down and started rubbing his stump. And though I probably shouldn’t have watched, I was fascinated at this man. How did he lose his leg? Car accident? Extreme sports injury? Perhaps even a war injury? He was fairly young, so I couldn’t discount it being service related.
The longer he sat there, the more I wondered what his stump looked like. Was it all knurly? Was it a clean amputation with smooth skin carefully stitched in place? Was it all thick and scarred? I’m not sure why I had this fascination. I wondered what would happen if you could see concentric rings that represented the years of his life? Much like a tree’s rings.
What would I see? Would I see a slow and steady growth pattern? Would there be some rings thicker than others? Perhaps different shades, representing different environments he lived in? Would his childhood years of massive growth spurts appear differently?
I began to think about the concentric rings of my life. Looking back to the years of 1990 to 1995 I can imagine a set of smoky black rings with the consistency of slate. The years of my life that have very little memory attached, my five years of darkness. Smoothed and polished, with a few flickers of brilliant white shale which are those remaining fleeting memories of those years. Or perhaps those rings are empty, much like my memories.
As I dig deeper into my childhood, I find thicker, richer rings. Memories of playing with my neighbor Kim. Times spent exploring the woodlands skirting our neighborhood. These rings are healthy, and rich with sap. But they are also very knotty. Great knots of sorrow that have scarred over as my psyche attempted to forget them. Times of my father losing control of himself, eyes wide with madness, striking out at his loved ones. Times of desperation as we sacrificed to pay the utilities, to keep the gas flowing during the cold winters. Times of sadness as I watched my grandmother slowly slip away as diabetes ate away at her.
Quickly I draw back from looking so deep and wonder about the current layers of my life. What have I added to the rings? And with shock I see anemic and sickly rings. Why are the rings of my adult life so small? With sadness I realize I am not living life. I have only been traveling through it, forgoing nourishing it’s growth.
So I resolve to begin anew. To live life. The next time I take a core sample of my soul, I will be proud of what I withdraw.
Mizike
Take for example my third car purchase. My Mitsubishi Eclipse was on its last leg, needing replacement very badly. Seeking to be an informed consumer out to make an intelligent purchase, impulse buying was to be avoided at all costs. Consumer magazines were browsed, internet message boards were referenced for customer reviews, friends and acquaintances were interviewed for their experiences with certain models of cars. And of course, the desire to find an aesthetically pleasing car was very important.
Not wanting to be one of the common Dick & Jane crowd, a car with a bit of character was very important. Something practical, yet with an edge. Perhaps a bit sporty, but not a “sports” car, since insurance rates for south Louisiana were brutal.
After visiting all the dealerships, the final three came down to the Chrysler Sebring, a Saturn, and a Pontiac Grand Am sedan. The Sebring was very attractive, though a bit pricey for my wallet at that time. The Saturn fit the bill, but wasn’t very pleasing to my eye. The Pontiac dealership didn’t have the exact model I was looking for. The Grand Am GT’s in stock were not 4 door or have a stick.
Mulling over this decision for well over a month, the Eclipse finally made the decision for me. As I was driving to the Pontiac dealership, the transmission failed and I coasted the last two blocks into the dealership. I drove out with the Grand Am.
I picked out SkyPrincess’s main present weeks ago. It’s a lovely item I’ll share after the holidays. Each time we visited the mall in NH, we’d pass by it and I’d stop my coworkers... point, with a gleam in my eye and smile on my face, and say “That’s the one! Isn’t it just the keenest thing ever?” Looking back and forth to each other, with a slight roll of the eyes, they’d respond, “Yes, it’s the best present ever. You are such a good boyfriend.” Smug with satisfaction, I continued to follow them as we browsed the store. Safe with the knowledge that soon it will be mine to purchase and wrap for SkyPrincess.
Last night was the purchase night. We rolled up to the mall and I made an immediate dash for the store. There it was! After a brief discussion with the clerk, after which she agreed that it was indeed a very keen present for a good boyfriend to buy, the item was paid for and deposited safely into my shopping bag. Quickly moving to the next counter the second present was selected. Although not as groovy as the first present, I liked it. I’m not crazy about the designer and almost didn’t buy it just for that fact. But I accepted the terms and allowed a bit of my soul to be purchased. It really is a very groovy item.
The rest of the night was spent running from one store to another seeking the last of my presents. No one had my gift idea in stock. Every store left me with breadcrumbs to follow. “I think Sears might have it.” I’d dash to the other end of the mall and search Sears. After desperate minutes of searching, I'd finally ask a clerk where I can find the thingamabob. “Sorry, we sold out of those early this week. Have you tried Macy’s?” Off to Macy’s. “Sorry, I sold my last one about 3 o’clock. Have you tried Sears?”
And so my night went. After exhausting every store, I resigned myself that no one in the Mall had the thingamabob. With no other pressing needs, I found a nice spot near the stairs to do a bit of people watching while waiting on my teammates to finish with their shopping.
To my left was the typical New England couple. The wife with a thick herringbone coat. Gloves dangling from her wrists with attached bands. Husband in tow, completely bored with both hands filled with shopping bags from Filenes, Radio Shack, Sears, and Bath & Body. With eyes cutting left and right, peering into all the stores, his wife would spot something that peaked her interests and make a mad beeline for that store. Her husband would suddenly stop after noticing his wife was not directly in front of him, and then lower his head in resignation and slowly begin making his way across traffic into the store his wife was now.
On the shopping floor below me was this very cute Asian couple. Both were dressed in very trendy clothes. She had a very unique fur hat with matching gloves and jacket. He wore black slacks with a neon green shirt with a huge Hello Dolly print and a black leather jacket. His hair was short and spiky with just a bit too much hair product. But it matched his style. Walking arm-in-arm, they lazily strolled down the mall, never overtly looking into any particular store. Content with just being with each other.
Standing next to me was this very odd looking man. He stood about 5 foot 7 inches, with sandy blond hair. Light brown wool jacket, white dress shirt, jeans, and sneakers. He was leaning against the railing, supported by his elbows. His hands clasped together in front, with fingers interlaced. He kept fingering his wedding band, spinning it in place.
His face was a bit scraggly from not shaving that morning, and his collar had a bit of a lipstick stain. Probably from early in the day. A very bright ruby red lipstick that shined very vividly on his pressed white shirt.
We both stood looking out over the vista of the mall. Neither of us looking for anything in specific. About 10 minutes go by when a female joined him. They kissed each other welcome, and she seems to frown when spotting the lipstick stain. She had a rich dark brown lipstick on, which clearly did not match the stain on his collar. They joined hands and walked off, though you could tell she wasn’t particularly happy.
On the other side of the walkway I spotted a man sitting down on the benches. The benches were placed in a crook that allowed the viewer to look down upon the masses below, instead of back into the crowd behind him. What stood out the most about this man was the missing right leg. Crutches to his side, he sat down and started rubbing his stump. And though I probably shouldn’t have watched, I was fascinated at this man. How did he lose his leg? Car accident? Extreme sports injury? Perhaps even a war injury? He was fairly young, so I couldn’t discount it being service related.
The longer he sat there, the more I wondered what his stump looked like. Was it all knurly? Was it a clean amputation with smooth skin carefully stitched in place? Was it all thick and scarred? I’m not sure why I had this fascination. I wondered what would happen if you could see concentric rings that represented the years of his life? Much like a tree’s rings.
What would I see? Would I see a slow and steady growth pattern? Would there be some rings thicker than others? Perhaps different shades, representing different environments he lived in? Would his childhood years of massive growth spurts appear differently?
I began to think about the concentric rings of my life. Looking back to the years of 1990 to 1995 I can imagine a set of smoky black rings with the consistency of slate. The years of my life that have very little memory attached, my five years of darkness. Smoothed and polished, with a few flickers of brilliant white shale which are those remaining fleeting memories of those years. Or perhaps those rings are empty, much like my memories.
As I dig deeper into my childhood, I find thicker, richer rings. Memories of playing with my neighbor Kim. Times spent exploring the woodlands skirting our neighborhood. These rings are healthy, and rich with sap. But they are also very knotty. Great knots of sorrow that have scarred over as my psyche attempted to forget them. Times of my father losing control of himself, eyes wide with madness, striking out at his loved ones. Times of desperation as we sacrificed to pay the utilities, to keep the gas flowing during the cold winters. Times of sadness as I watched my grandmother slowly slip away as diabetes ate away at her.
Quickly I draw back from looking so deep and wonder about the current layers of my life. What have I added to the rings? And with shock I see anemic and sickly rings. Why are the rings of my adult life so small? With sadness I realize I am not living life. I have only been traveling through it, forgoing nourishing it’s growth.
So I resolve to begin anew. To live life. The next time I take a core sample of my soul, I will be proud of what I withdraw.
Mizike
posted by Mizike at 8:57 AM
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